THE OPENING OF MISTY BEETHOVEN

Fresh from one of publishing magnate Lawrence Layman’s infamous parties, socialite-cum-sexologist Seymour (Jamie Gillis) dons his grey rain mac and takes to a Parisian porn cinema where a blowjob is taking place on the big screen. Wannabe prostitute Misty (Constance Money) catches his eye but rather than accept business from her, he asks her to satisfy an aged man sat several rows behind them wearing an Admiral’s uniform.

This she does, wanking him off as the couple on the screen reach their climax.

Seeing the potential in his new acquaintance, Seymour takes Misty to a nearby hotel where he establishes that she offers straight sex only – no oral, no anal. But still, he refuses to write her off: on the contrary, he sees this chance meeting as an opportunity to take a naïve young hooker and teach her how to become a fuck that all of his aristocratic friends will want. Yes, it’s PYGMALION for the porno brigade. Or, in modern terms, grooming.

Seymour runs into his old friend Geraldine (Jacqueline Beudant) while in Paris, and she agrees that there is something about Misty. Before long, Seymour’s taken her back to his Fellini-esque offices in New York where he begins training her in the art of sucking cock, taking dildoes in her anus, accepting warm loads on her face and so on.

She’s a predictably reluctant pupil to begin with, but gradually her inhibitions are lowered by virtue of her mentor’s cheeky charm and his seemingly endless supply of helpers. Between them, they indulge trainee Misty in episodes of orgies, lesbianism, 69ers, and kinky sex parties. All of which take place in several exotic locations – not least of which is Rome …

But will Misty be suitably conditioned in time for Layman’s next lavish party, and will she be capable of winning his prestigious ‘Goldenrod Girl’ prize for best fuck on the night?

More importantly, perhaps, will Seymour be able to work so closely with this highly singular woman and not, eventually, fall in love with her?

Shot over three continents, taking in New York, Rome and Paris along the way, Radley Metzger’s THE OPENING OF MISTY BEETHOVEN (directed under his sometime pseudonym of Henry Paris) is widely regarded as the greatest adult film of all time.

Well, that’s perhaps debatable. But it is brilliant. Jake Barnes’ script is genuinely witty, filled with successful one-liners that allow for pathos whenever required. It’s never forced though, thanks to the surprisingly competent performances from all concerned.

Aside from Gillis (typically brilliant), Money (effortlessly hot in a girl-next-door style) and Beudant, also look out for other Golden Age legends such as Gloria Leonard and Terri Hall. And Metzger elicits authentically sensual, spirited performances from one and all.

Aesthetically, BEETHOVEN will bamboozle newcomers with its high production values (shot on film; professional lighting; photography and set design competing for artistic merit) but none of it detracts from the fact that this is a porn film. Albeit, an unusually well-made, engaging one.

So, what of the sex? I mean, for all its worth as a film in its own right, BEETHOVEN wouldn’t be revered as a true porn classic if the sex was shit … right? Right. The sex, while not as prolonged or aggressive as the nondescript stuff that fills the likes of YouPorn in this age, is genuinely hot. These people are in to each other! And they’re attractive, without the aid of plastic enhancements! There’s an awful lot of fellatio and vaginal penetration to be enjoyed, but little in the way of anal action (if that’s your bag) – although there is a killer scene where Misty gratifies a posh couple by strapping on a dildo and fucking the husband’s arse, while he in turn gives his wife a good rogering …

THE OPENING OF MISTY BEETHOVEN is clever, entertaining and properly erotic (check out the scene where she brings three butlers simultaneously to orgasm … woah). The whole film looks great, zips along at an agreeable pace without falter and even boasts an original score by George Craig that, in keeping with all other aspects of the production, is good enough to grace any ‘mainstream’ film of its era.

It’s a classic. And Distribpix know this, bless them, as they’re releasing the film in an amazing set that’s being released in both 2-disc DVD and single-disc blu-ray variants.

I viewed the blu-ray disc, a 50GB dual-layer region-free affair which contains all extras from the DVD set.

BEETHOVEN comes newly remastered and restored in 2K from original vault materials (a combination of 35mm and 35mm blow-up internegative "for the standard and super 16mm segments", as per how the film was shot and treated). It comes in a fresh 1080p HD transfer, which also preserves the film’s original 1.85:1 theatrical aspect ratio and enhances it for 16x9 televisions.

Needless to say, this transfer blows previous releases out of the water. It looks simply stunning. The texture throughout is smooth beneath a fine, natural layer of grain which allows for an incredible amount of detail and clarity that haven’t been present before. Suddenly, the lighting and cinematography of this film truly become attributes to appreciate. Colours are muted but true to the original film, while any softness in presentation is also surely representative of how everything was shot. I can’t express how impressed I was with this clean, clear and vibrant transfer. From the opening shot of the Parisian cinema’s exterior, this had me mouthing "wow".

English audio is presented in options of 2.0 and 5.1 lossless Master DTS-HD. Both have benefited from considerable clean-ups, offering excellent playback across the board.

We also get the complete ‘clean’ cut of the film, with many of its hardcore scenes edited out. This shares all the same audio and video specifications of the uncut version.

Optional English subtitles are on hand for both versions of the main feature, as well as subtitles in Spanish, French, German, Italian and Portuguese.

An animated main menu page creates nostalgia from the offset, offering a montage of familiar scenes set to THAT classic score. From there, pop-up menus include a scene-selection menu allowing access to the main feature via 32 chapters.

You want extra features? Fuck. This disc is positively BRIMMING with them.

First up is a feature-length audio commentary track from Metzger. Accompanied by moderator Benson Hurst who doesn’t pause to introduce himself, this is a fast-paced and fact-filled track that really deserves to be listened to more than once. Metzger’s accent doesn’t obscure his excellent English, and the track remains clear and fluent throughout. Unlike most commentary tracks, it’s entertaining and interesting for its duration. It may rarely refer to what’s on the screen (although Hurst confirms at one point that they are indeed watching the film), but it’s tremendous nonetheless.

The back cover also advertises an audio commentary track by Leonard. Alas, it appears to have never transpired.

We get an alternate English language subtitle track (play around with your remote) which offers text trivia points throughout the film when selected. This doesn’t merely rehash points raised in the commentary track; try it, it’s really good.

"Behind the Scenes" is a superbly produced 48-minute documentary with contributions from Metzger, Leonard, cinematographer Paul Glickman, a couple of film professors and more. Interspersed with excellently placed clips and stills, this is a truly awesome probe into the film’s making, its legacy and legend. The level of ambition, commitment and enjoyment involved in the making of the film really shines through here.

As with all of the bonus features in this set, the documentary treats its subject matter – and viewers – with total respect: there is no exploitative aspect – BEETHOVEN is clearly revered by the makers of these extras as a serious slice of classic cinema.

"The Restoration of Misty" is a 26-minute look at how the original film materials were scanned, digitized and cleaned up for this sterling new release. Techies will enjoy this immensely, as it really does become quite revealing. Finally, you’ll be able to appreciate why HD restoration jobs cost so much …

"Desperately Seeking Susan: Constance Found" is a 7-minute featurette which offers plenty of welcome footage of the enigmatic actress, such as glimpses of her in the wackily titled CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE PEANUT BUTTER FREAK, alongside an academic English narration charting her fall from the Playboy limelight and into obscurity during the mid-80s. It’s fascinating stuff – and, yes, there is news (sort of) on her whereabouts these days …

"Back to Cinetta Studios" revisits the site of Layman’s wrap party in the film, some 37 years on. It’s a mildly intriguing 3-minute diversion.

Gillis’ last ever on-screen interview (by off-camera griller Cass Paley) is a relaxed, candid affair shot in an open garden setting. It finds the late actor aged but happy, reminiscing honestly and with good recollection through his days as a rising porn star in the 1970s. This 19-minute featurette is an absolute joy, despite its rather annoying editorial choice of presenting his answers to onscreen text as little more than bullet points.

Still, a plethora of no-holds-barred trivia is on offer here: whether it’s the fact that Gillis was paid a mere $30 for his first role, working with "the same dog that fucked Linda Lovelace", the women he fucked off-screen or the fact that BOOGIE NIGHTS was an "ugly piece of shit" – Gillis doesn’t hold back, and comes across as a highly affable, generous interviewee. A nice touch to this piece are the occasional hardcore clips from Jamie’s illustrious career that play in the corner of the screen while he speaks.

"Remembering Jamie Gillis" is a 9-minute tribute-cum-eulogy narrated through stills of the great guy by Benson Hurst. This is an agreeable, suitably moving addition.

24 minutes of outtakes and deleted scenes come newly remastered from original 16mm film elements. A brief text introduction explains how the outtakes came into Distribpix’s hands (direct from the director’s archives, no less), and then it’s straight into the mainly silent footage. Great stuff.

A generous stills gallery offers a mixture of screengrabs, behind-the-scenes snaps and promotional stills over the course of 3 minutes, all set to an anonymous alt-rock tune.

"Ephemera" is a self-explanatory gallery of material that runs just shy of 7 minutes in length. Set to lighter music, this proffers a keenly edited and attractively presented plethora of reviews, advertisements and promotional guff all related to the film. In many instances, it makes for thoroughly absorbing viewing.

A selection of various original radio spots for NAKED CAME THE STRANGER and MARASCHINO CHERRY (two more pornos made by Metzger under his Paris pseudonym) follow.

We also get original trailers for those two films, BEETHOVEN, and fellow Paris titles BARBARA BROADCAST and THE PRIVATE AFTERNOONS OF PAMELA MANN. All are restored in HD – wow. Despite some excessive print damage here and there, these provide great entertainment over the course of their collective 25-minute running time.

Finally, the set comes with a gorgeous 60-page full-colour collectors’ booklet. This is clearly sized to be housed inside a DVD keepcase, and as such comes shrinkwrapped behind the blu-ray packaging as opposed to inside it. No matter, it’s a marvellous offering with plenty of welcome colour photographs and brilliant liner notes. The last two pages even offer notes "about the transfers", a’la Criterion or Masters of Cinema.

Actually, Criterion is not a bad comparison for the level of craftsmanship and care taken by Distribpix in this extraordinary blu-ray release. Put simply, this is an outstanding set: truly staggering, and a very likely contender for the best all-round genre release of the year.

If you’re a fan of this film, or even if you’re just curious, please don’t delay in ordering this title. You will NOT be disappointed. And, if it sells well, who knows – Distribpix may decide to go blu with other titles such as those shown in trailer form on this disc. Oh, the mind boggles …

Review by Stuart Willis